Grow your excitement

Experiencing a lot of trouble speaking and writing in Dutch, I used English more as I expected to look up words I didn’t know, bypassing frustration from word-finding problems in my mother tongue. Still, writing or telling my story chronologically was challenging when I started capturing my feelings in a blog and poetry. Poetry, and rhymes, something I was never good at in school, suddenly came to paper quickly. It was a way to express my feelings creatively, using words differently. I needed help blogging because my writing skills had decreased. I wrote to heal.

“I forgot” is a poem many Covid Lonhaulers can relate to:

After my first Covid infection, I realized something was wrong with my brain. I couldn’t hold my attention; even simple daily activities became a struggle. I was exhausted after activities I usually did after a full day at work and had trouble with all my senses. I was clueless about what was going on in my body.

At first, doctors told me my mental capacities would come back after building stamina due to physical exercise; sadly, they didn’t. After my second Covid infection, which floored me even more, I knew physical exercise wasn’t the way to grow my mental capacity. Besides that, I discovered I had Long Covid, which the doctors didn’t see as an actual illness; in January 2021. Creative and persistent, as always, I found ways to train my brain. 

Long Covid made it unable to build a new daily routine; I exchanged balance for harmony in life. Training my brain and finding answers meant reading and learning, which seemed impossible. Against advice to avoid this kind of frustration, I kept trying and learned only to do these things when my body and mind are up to it. I stopped wondering if I retain the information; I know it is stored somewhere in my brain. I have moments when I don’t have access to stored data, but it suddenly flies out on other occasions. By reading back in my journals, I see I keep repeating things. By accepting these flaws, I stay joyful in believing in moments of growth. I have a gut-feeling that what is meant to be for me will reach me.

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